A-OK
STEP 4:
Getting Back on Track
finding your way back to "A-OK"
Conflict resolution is not linear. New problems come up, strong feelings arise, and the conversation might stray. So, when you get stuck, here are some things that you can do...
1.
The
"YES AND"
Method
Find common ground! How does meeting your needs HELP your counterpart and vice versa? Discover ways to achieve both... Instead of saying "NO" to your counterpart's ideas or they are alright "BUT" there is a problem... Say "YES" to their ideas "AND" say what you need to add to them. When you both get something, you can find a solution.
2.
Getting
Help
Talk to others who can help you see the conflict from a new perspective or support you. Talking to family or friends, getting some legal or expert advice, or seeking out a therapist or clergy to listen, give you hope, offer ideas, mediate, or judge a fair solution are all ways of getting help.
3.
Brainstorm
Brainstorm any and all possible solutions. Trade off with your partner in coming up with ideas, out loud or in writing. No idea is a bad idea. Get everything out on the table before you evaluate the options later and come up with a solution.
4.
Take
A
Break
Sometimes your mind does its best thinking when the pressure's off. Go outside, relax with a good book, or even do some cooking or cleaning - anything to get your mind off the conflict at hand. Then, go back to the conflict later.
5.
Re-
Center
Yourself
Take a moment to center yourself present in the moment, not in the future or the past. Breathe. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Concentrate on your senses. Re-centering yourself will make you calmer and more able to handle your conflict.
6.
One Winner,
No Winner
If you and your counterpart are in a rush or cannot resolve your differences, this can be helpful. Pick a fair process... flip a coin, take the loss this time, so you can get your way next time or vice versa, let someone else decide. Winner takes all (at least this time). Alternatively, go with a double-loss, where neither one of you gets your way. Do something else. Like, if you can't agree on a payment, give the money to charity instead.
*
If your counterpart is MORE POWERFUL...
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If your counterpart is STUCK...
If your counterpart is stuck in their red or yellow feelings, you can:
-
listen and console them. Let them vent. Empathize and suggest ways to let out their negative energy, like exercise.
-
apologize if you offended them, so your beef doesn't affect the conflict at hand.
-
reassure your counterpart that you will seek out a fair solution, they can trust you and you will treat them respectfully.
-
normalize how they are feeling by telling them it is normal, making sure they're not ashamed.
-
offer them a concession, so they know you're serious about working with them.
If your counterpart is strong enough to get their way in spite of you, you can:
-
play dumb, asking naïve questions to probe the faults in their arguments.
-
take the least worst option available to you.
-
grovel, be supplicant, and tell them what they want to do, at least for now.
Once you've talked it out, you're ready to make an agreement and move on with your life!
