A-OK
STEP 5:
Making an agreement
finding your A-OK solution
When are you ready to decide on a resolution? When you've gotten enough and you can live with it. There's probably no such thing as a perfect agreement, so don't expect it. Strive to meet your needs and your counterpart's needs.
Types of outcomes
Different conflicts require different results. Try to match your agreement to the kind of conflict you have. Here are some general guidelines:
Resolution
When you need to end your conflict and come up with a final solution
Management
When the conflict is ongoing or recurring, you can't expect to arrive at a final solution. Instead, create a way to deal with the conflict when it arises (like a customer service system)
Transformation
When the conflict may never be resolved or it seems more important to learn from it than to end it. Learn something, become a better version of yourself, and change relationships or circumstances that need to evolve
Are you comfortable with the decision?
Before you make any final decisions, remember to ask yourself . . .
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Can you do this?
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Should you do this? Does anything feel off, wrong, or bad?
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How good is this for you?
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On a scale of 0-10, when 0 is absolutely no and 10 is absolutely yes, how would this decision score?
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Is this the best you can do right now?
If your answers to the following are YES, YES, YES, and YES, figure out how you want to conclude the conflict.
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Written
Write down the terms of your agreement. If you do not trust your counterpart to follow through or you need documentation, this is an ideal format, especially to make something legal or enforceable.
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General
You come up with an agreement in principle, with key details missing, or an agreement to keep working through your differences. This can be a good format if the stakes are low or if you want to show progress but the details will take a long time to figure out.
Coming to terms
Here are common agreement formats - pick the one that best suits you and your counterpart.
Talk through and clarify your terms, making an oral agreement, maybe sealed with a handshake. If you are trust your counterpart or it's an informal setting, this is an ideal format.
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Specific
Your agreement is clear and precise about the goals and boundaries you want to set. This is ideal when you are worried about the conflict happening again, you don't trust your counterpart, you want to make sure that they follow through, or you need very detailed and accurate documentation.
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Verbal
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REMEMBER . . .
A good agreement is:
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Fair - you treated your counterpart with dignity, kindness, and respect, you both got something you wanted, the agreement seems reasonable, and you did the best you could under the circumstances.
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Peaceful - caring for yourself, your counterpart, and your relationship by honoring your needs, making you each better versions of yourselves, and making the world a better place. Accept your agreement and let go of your anguish.
You made an agreement that achieves your goals, in the best format, and is beneficial for you, your counterpart, and the world! You just accomplished something incredibly difficult - coming to terms with your counterpart in a conflict. Congratulations!
If you're not too worn out, you can still learn from your conflict by reflecting on how you handled it.
