Resources

More conflict resolution help

States of Being

Centering Yourself

Doing what works for you to make sure you're present in the moment (instead of your mind wondering), you feel emotionally balanced, and you feel like yourself, ideally at your best. There are many ways to center yourself, including…

Close your eyes and breathe in and out slowly and deeply at least 3 times, counting each breath. Instead of counting, you could also repeat a helpful phrase in your mind, like "in with the good, out with the bad".

Concentrate on one of your senses (what you see, hear, feel, taste, or smell) to observe your surroundings. Like noticing a specific color, identifying the different sounds around you, or touching a fabric to feel the sensation of it.

Feel the ground beneath your feet and how it supports you.

Lock into being with and listening to your counterpart, letting go of other distracting thoughts in your mind.

Emotional Wellness

You feel centered and healthy when you take care of yourself by eating and sleeping well, exercising regularly, enjoying time with loved ones, doing what you love, being compassionate, and learning new things. When you're healthier, you will be a better version of yourself and be more resilient in your conflict.

Strategies

Agreeing

Agree with your counterpart as much as possible. Say, “I agree”, “yes”, “you’re right”, “I think so too”, and things like that as often as you can. Only contradict them or disagree with them when it is absolutely necessary. When you are listening to your counterpart, you can also say ‘OK’ to what they are saying, to show them you understood it without necessarily agreeing with it.

Being non-judgemental

Being judgmental means imposing your opinion on someone else, telling them which thing you like better, what they should do with themselves, explaining why they are wrong, and the like. Sharing advice with a friend can be helpful when it's wanted and invited, but not when you force it on someone or get them to change their perspective when they don’t want to. So, being nonjudgemental means not telling people what’s right/wrong, good/bad, better/worse, etc. or what they “should” do or say. This means listening without criticizing. Being extremely nonjudgmental means making sure that you aren’t even accidentally swaying your counterpart one way or another, you’re just listening and accepting what they say.

Normalizing

Normalizing is making people feel like what they are going through or what they are feeling or what they are thinking is normal and natural. Your counterpart might feel weird or think that what they are thinking is strange or be embarrassed by something that seems out of the ordinary. You can make them feel like it’s OK, by telling that it’s OK or no big deal or that you’d have done or though or felt the same thing if you were in their shoes or just by saying that their thoughts or feelings are reasonable under the circumstances. When they feel like they are accepted and their honor is restored, it’ll be easier to talk to them about your conflict.

Power

Power is anything that will help you get what you want out of your conflict. For instance, you have personal and communication skills, knowledge, a role in a family or workplace, people who could help you, a good case (you are right, you have rights, or an authority figure agrees with you), resources (like money to hire a lawyer, followers on social media, or military might in a war), or power in the situation (like the relative status that you and your counterpart have, your history together, or, most importantly, different options that you might have to achieve your goals. If you can meet your needs without having a conflict (GO AROUND them), you’re not as dependent on your counterpart and you can either ask them for more or get what you want another way, like when you ask to speak with their manager or go to a different store entirely.

You can use your power to try and overcome your counterpart (PUSH PAST them), especially if you have more power than them, or use it (remember your communication skills!) to work with them (PULL TOGETHER). No matter how you use your power, always follow three rules to use it wisely: 1) Use only as much power as you need, be reasonable, 2) Place limits on how you will apply power, and 3) Don’t compromise your principles when using power.

"YES, AND" ... Strategy

Yes, and is an approach as well as two of the most important words you can say to your counterpart. The approach comes from improv, where you accept what your counterpart says and build on it, rather than saying things like ‘No’ or ‘I don’t think so’ or ‘That’s wrong’ or ‘I like that idea BUT…”. Because, whenever you insert the word ‘but’, it means the judgmental part is coming next. That’s probably the only part they will hear. So, start by understanding and agreeing, say "yes", "I see your point", or "I agree with..." AND instead of saying the word ‘but’, try ‘and’, as in ‘I like that idea AND…’ You move from thinking I can have my way or you can have your way to maybe we can both get some of what we want, from either you get what you want or I get what I want to both you and I will get something out of your conflict.

Skills

Listening

Listening is the most important thing you can do in a conflict. If you empathize with your counterpart, even if you don’t agree, talking things out will be easier.

There are lots of ways to listen. Friends go back and forth building on what they say to each other. When someone says something very serious, listening silently is respectful. If you want to show someone you are listening, you can nod your head or say ‘OK’ or ‘uh huh’ or 'yeah'. These can all be helpful. In the heat of conflict, showing people you understand them is especially important. The best way to do that is through active listening.

Active Listening

Active listening is when you focus all your attention on your counterpart. They deserve your time and attention just as much as you deserve theirs. Listen with your whole body, including your eyes, not just your ears. What is their body language telling you? If you don’t trust them, their body language may tell you more than what they're saying. Also, repeat back important facts and feelings they say, like… “It sounds like you’re really angry about that” or “You came home first, and then you went to the store” or “You were really offended when I did that”. Use their actual words to make sure you’re getting it just right. You don’t have to agree with what they are saying, you are just showing them that you understand them.

Apologizing

When you say something wrong, hurt or offend someone (either by accident or on purpose), or do something inappropriate, you should apologize. It can be humbling but it offers both you and your counterpart dignity. The best are 4A apologies:

Acknowledge exactly what you did. Be precise.
Apologize and take responsibility for it. Be accountable.
Assure them it won’t happen again. Be reassuring.
Ask them what you can do to make up for it. Be fair.

"I" Language

“I” language is when you speak from your own experience. You don’t start a sentence with “You”. Instead say, “I feel that” or “I think that” or “In my experience” or something else to show that it's your perspective. It'll be easier for your counterpart to understand and appreciate it that way. If you start talking about how they think or how they feel or how it is in general or how everyone thinks this way or that way, you might be wrong, but even if you’re not, it's like you're saying you know everything and if they think differently, they're wrong. So, speak from your own experience. Don't generalize, tell your counterpart what to do or how to think, or say you know the universal truth. If you need to be assertive, you can start your sentence with “I need” and tell your counterpart what you need from them.