A-OK
STEP 2:
Prepare and Strategize
set your path to "A-OK"
Once you come to terms with your red and yellow feelings, you’re ready to decide what to do. Preparation means being the best version of yourself, being a good counterpart, and planning your path through conflict.
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TIP: they're your counterpart, not your adversary
The person you are in conflict with is not your adversary, but your counterpart. Assume the best for them and work towards an agreement that works for both of you.
Being the best YOU
When interacting with your counterpart, remain cool, calm, and collected.
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Be in the right state of mind or take a break if you can't
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Be aware of your biases and what pushes your buttons, so they won't take control of you in a conflict
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REMEMBER . . .
You are extraordinary and your value is immeasurable, just like everyone else! You don’t deserve any less (or any more) than anyone else.
Be clear and precise about what you are thinking and feeling. Speak from your own experiences and use "I" language.
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Clarity
Ask your counterpart questions!
1) What’s bothering you?
2) What’s really important to you about all this?
3) What do you need to get out of this?
To understand your counterparts goals, ask them . . .
Treat your counterpart as an equal. Be optimistic. Find things you both agree on and discover things you have in common.
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Caring
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Understanding
Listen and empathize to your counterpart’s feelings, thoughts, and goals. Focus on the conflict at hand. Don’t be judgmental, bossy, or threatening.
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Integrity
Be genuine, dependable, honest, and respectful. Give your counterpart the benefit of the doubt whenever possible.
Being a COUNTERPART
Treat your counterpart like a potential friend by living up to these principles...
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REMEMBER . . .
Make good faith efforts to best work out the conflict with your counterpart. Have good intentions. Be fair, predictable, and trustworthy. Set ground rules for communication if you need them so you and your counterpart feel safe and ready to talk things out.
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DON'T...
Never use physical, verbal, or emotional violence. Don't threaten, humiliate, or judge your counterpart, boss them around, make fun of them, or make them look bad. Don't judge them or their feelings! If you accidentally offend them, apologize.
1) Step back
Take a break if you need to think, things have gotten too stressful, or you’re stuck. Only temporarily, until you’re ready to deal with your counterpart again.
Planning your conflict
Choose a pathway through your conflict from these option
2) Pull together
3) Step aside
Talk things out with your counterpart and make an agreement you can both live with. Try this first!
If pulling together doesn't work... When the conflict isn't worth the effort or you want to give in for the sake of the relationship, let your counterpart have their way.
4) Go around
If pulling together and stepping aside aren't ideal find another way to meet your needs. If it’s easier get your needs met another way or by talking to someone else, do that.
5) Push past
When you can't pull together, step aside, or go around. Forcefully argue to persuade your counterpart to give way, especially when getting what you want is critical and you're okay annoying your counterpart to get it.
6) Build
When nothing else works, bide your time. Build your power - learn, strategize, cultivate allies, and get resources to make sure one day you'll be able to achieve your goals.
After following these steps, you're ready to choose your pathway and talk to your counterpart, especially if you pull together and talk it out with your counterpart, which is usually the best approach.
