A-OK
STEP 3:
Talking things out
working towards "A-OK"
Why is talking important?
Talking through your problems with others is an essential life skill. In conflict resolution, talking it out gives everyone a chance to express their ideas and concerns, leading to more balanced, peaceful agreements. But learning and doing it takes time and effort.
Understanding yourself, your counterpart, and the situation
The more you know, the better off you are. Knowledge is power.
Understanding your feelings, goals, and the situation is the difference between finding realistic solutions and getting stuck. When you understand your counterpart's feelings, goals, and perspectives, and they understand yours, you've almost resolved your conflict.
When you understand each other, you can achieve agreement's that you both can live with. It may not mean getting everything you want but it gets you closer to feeling comfortably A-OK again.
BLUE feelings
Blue feelings mean your conflict is under way. You need to figure out what you really want and what you can do to get it. Your blue feelings will get you there. They tell you what you want, how much you want it, and what you're willing to do to get it.
What you might be feeling...
You can...
Wants
Decide what you don't want, then separate your non-negotiable needs from your negotiable wants. Prioritize your goals into needs first, then wants.
Tell you your goals
Powerful
When you are confident and feel strong
Identify your strengths, including ways your counterpart relies on you, and consider if you are able to overcome your counterpart
Responsible
List out any restrictions and boundaries you have
Knowing your limits
Risk
Contemplate what's at stake, as well as the chances you're willing and unwilling to take to achieve your goals
Understanding your vulnerabilities
GREEN feelings
Green feelings come up when you are on the cusp of something. They tell you that you're on the right path and things are coming together. These emotions will motivate you and inspire you to work with your counterpart and arrive at an agreement you can both live with.
What you might be feeling...
You can...
Love
Decide if your attraction is warranted, then you know something matters to you. It shows you who you are.
Being attracted to something
Happiness
Life is good; contentment. You're comfortable.
Notice what's going well and keep doing it. Your goal is to become comfortable again so you are getting warmer.
Excitement
Continue the conversation, it's going well and you're making progress. Helpful ideas are likely to pop up.
Anticipation of progress or fun
Hope
Share your optimism with your counterpart. It is contagious. Hope can help you move forward when you are stuck.
Success is possible, maybe even imminent
Trust
Be trustworthy, as honest as you can, and give your counterpart the benefit of the doubt. Build trust by finding information everyone can trust and setting ground rules.
Feeling like you can count on your counterpart
Wonder
Being interested or being in awe
Be curious and open to learning. Explore what fascinates you.
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REMEMBER . . .
Listen to your emotions and trust them. They will know if things are going well before you're aware of it.
When talking to your counterpart, use "I" language to speak from your own experience and perspective. Your interpretation of the conflict and your emotions are a reflection of YOU and YOUR perspective, not necessarily your counterpart or anyone else.
Talking it out
Instead of starting a sentence with "You..." or telling your counterpart what they should think or feel, you say "I feel....", "I think...", or "In my experience...". This language easier for your counterpart to understand and appreciate, harder for them to reject.
"YOU" language can sound like you are blaming your counterpart, bossing them around, or telling them what to think. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. Your perspective is different from your counterpart's but it doesn't invalidate theirs. So, "I" language to respects everyone's experiences and perspectives.
If your counterpart uses "I" language too, it's easier to make progress because you don't have to overcome each other's perspectives, you just express them and may learn to appreciate them.
Listening to the other perspective
Conversations involve at least two people, so you must listen to your counterpart's perspective, especially when you disagree. It's easy to say what you want but it's harder to listen to what your counterpart wants. So, concentrate on what they are saying and use active listening.
Active listening is when place your full attention on your counterpart. Hear each word and make sense of what they say. You don't have to agree with what they say, just understand. Listen with your eyes, as well as your ears. What do their body language, tone of voice, and facial expression say about what they are thinking and feeling?
TIP: Repeat back what you are hearing and seeing, confirming what your counterpart is saying.
Once you listen well to your counterpart and thoroughly discuss your goals together, you will be in a better position to achieve your goals.
If things go well, make an agreement, but if you and your counterpart get stuck, get the conversation back on track.
