A-OK
STEP 1:
A conflict pops up...
You're feeling "No Way"
Why your emotions matter in conflict...
Something's up, you've got a problem with someone, a conflict. Your feelings can tell you what's going on. They're signaling you, like a notification on your phone. If you ignore it, you're missing vital information, blindly reacting to your emotions. You're not aware of them, but they're in control.
Notice those emotional signals...
Figure out what they are saying to you...
Respond to them instead of blindly reacting...
Then, you'll be in control, not your emotions.
YELLOW feelings
Yellow feelings are good at telling you that you are lost or something doesn't make sense. It's an opportunity to pause and reflect on what's going on but can be a problem if you need to make a decision quickly. So try to figure things out before you decide anything.
What you might be feeling...
Confused
Something is unclear or unknown
Frustrated
Something is blocking you from your goal
Surprised
Something unexpected happened
Worried
Something that matters to you could go wrong
You can...
Question everything, don't take anything for granted
Figure out your goal and what's getting in the way
Identify what's happened, what's changed, and get used to the new normal
Identify what you're concerned about and plan ways to protect it
RED feelings
When you have red feelings, you feel bad. These feelings tell you something is wrong, maybe even threatening. If you're in danger, get to safety, but more often than not, it's better to reflect on what the problem is and what you can do about it, rather than reacting.
What you might be feeling...
You can...
Afraid
Something is dangerous or threatening
Identify the danger, protect yourself, and draw boundaries
Angry
Something is unfair
Stand up for yourself to make things fairer
Ashamed
Something is humiliating
Hateful
Something repulses you
Offended
Something attacked you or your principles
Sadness
Something is overwhelming
Take care of yourself, show yourself compassion, and acknowledge any mistakes you made
Identify what repels you, your bias, decide if it is warranted and, if so, keep away from it
Protect yourself, hold the offender accountable, and get an apology
Express your concerns, tell someone, get help, and do something to help yourself feel better
*
TIP when your counterpart is aggressive . . .
They may be overconfident, so you may need to bring them back to their YELLOW feelings by asking a new question, showing them a new fact, or taking a new approach. They may be stuck in their RED emotions, so you may need to give them some space, reassure them, or hear them out before they can move forward.
What to do with your new emotional understanding
When you feel red or yellow feelings you might want to hide, attack, or give up. Doing that without proper understanding makes conflict worse. Instead, take a break, then prepare and strategize. Things eventually get better!
If you're overwhelmed, get help and look after your emotional wellness.
